But, That is Not Me!

Okay. I was that girl. I spent every waking moment in church. I knew all the Bible references, Jesus answers, and was the leader of the youth band. My home was a safe place. My family taught me to welcome all home with open arms. The doors were always opened and filled with people who were broken, orphaned, or entirely lost. As a result, my house was never empty, quiet, or simple. My family created a ministry, taught me to love others and put them first. When you're blessed with parents that love you, a safe home, a dad who is a pastor, and you spend your free time practicing for the next youth band worship song, naturally you become that girl. Expected to be perfectly put together, know what to say at all the right times, who to talk to when someone is left out, and of course to be an hour early to every church event that was occurring.

Now, I am not saying that any of this is wrong, actually much of it is what we are called to do as believers; to love others well. However, I wish they knew truth. I wish they knew that this picture of perfection that I had painted myself to be was all driven by a distorted view to prove that I was greater than my own struggles. Pride was the driving factor of my life. If you really watched my life you would have seen a constant battle with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. I kept these things hidden because that was not supposed to be me. The whole irony of it, is that I was taught that ministry was to love those who were hurting in all the same ways that I in fact was. However, I fell into this lie that told me that if others really knew my struggles it would only lead to the destruction of my family, friends, and ministry. That is exactly what Satan wants to do; to isolate you and convince you that you are alone (John 10:10). Honestly, I was so focused on what others thought that I failed to consider how these struggles affected my view of God and His love for me (Galatians 1:10).

When I was 16 years old, at my youth groups winter retreat, I began a journey of redefining what God’s love for me really meant. One night at the retreat, a mentor was sharing with me details of her life that I was not expecting to relate to. She was honest, vulnerable, and not ashamed to reveal what I thought every good Christian was supposed to be quiet about. For the first time in the church, I too responded with honesty. Through an opened and honest conversation, I shared my brokenness with someone else. The Lord used that to begin a long journey of healing in my life. Healing that began with confession but lead to entire restoration (Psalm 51:12).

In this season, God revealed so many hidden things in my heart. Stripped me of my pride and began to teach me what it meant to be loved and sought out by God whose desire was only ever to know me in full. I realized that the way that I presented myself in church was also how I presented myself before God. Yet God never wanted a show, He just wanted my heart. He knew that I could not be this person I thought I should be which is why He died for me in the first place. He never needed me to serve others for approval, but He wanted me to love others because I loved Him(Ephesians 2:8-9). By being honest with others and the Lord, it allowed me to receive the actual healing in my life that I needed. I received healing by understanding more of God’s heart and His heart was revealed to me the more that I read His Word. This healing is opened to anyone who is broken and in need of restoration. His grace is sufficient, and He promises to be close to those who are broken (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Two years later, I got a youth internship at a church. That summer I openly shared my story and the way that God had worked through that season of my life. As a result, I walked alongside five girls who had dealt with the same experiences that I had faced. It taught me that when our heart is to love the Lord, then the way that we love others will become natural; all of which occurs when God’s Word is actually the driving factor of our life. Furthermore, God will use anything to draw us to Himself. It takes recognizing our brokenness to seek how to be truly healed. As that is discovered, it is then our job to share that with others. Truthfully, it amazes me that the story of my own brokenness that I was once so deathly afraid to reveal is what started healing for girls who experienced the same thing. We are called to speak His Truth and that often begins with our own story of how He restored us.